you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I want her autograph on my taint
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
