Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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