Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
I'm really busy with my period
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