I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
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My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
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Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I party with great urgency now.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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