A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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