Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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