apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
