I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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