I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
