You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.