Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
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I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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