remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
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