there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
