I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
