literally had 100 drinks last night.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Randomize
