I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
