Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
