Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
