Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I believe in your delicious
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
