I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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