if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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