He uses pillows to masturbate.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
