I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I feel like death gave me a hand job
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Randomize
