gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Randomize
