Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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