Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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