The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
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I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
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im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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