I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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