i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
