The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
