My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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