My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
