When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
