Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize
