So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
