i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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