dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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