Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
