Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
