i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
