i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
