put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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