he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
cat food counts as protein by the way
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
