dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
