he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
