Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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