I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
