So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
