How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
