We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
