I think im going to throw up on grandma
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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