No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
