If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
