Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I feel like abortions should bother me more
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
