so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Less talking, more tequila
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
