Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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